Corner Family, I need your help. This
weekend my 17 year old daughter informed me that she thinks that she is gay and
has been dating both boys and girls without our knowledge for the past year.
She says that she wants to get married and have kids one day but right now she
wants to explore the attraction that she has with girls. To say that I was
caught off guard would be putting it lightly. I assured her there is nothing
that she could do to lose our love and support, and after listening to her
explanations, I honestly think that this is a phase that she going through.
Here is our dilemma; her father is
very conservative and I don’t think that He will react favorably to hearing
this news. We are also very active in our church. Our daughter sings in the
choir and volunteers with the children’s church. She wants permission to bring
whoever she is dating home and to family functions the same way that her older
sister and brother are allowed to do, but I am torn about whether or not we
should even consider this because I feel that this is just a phase.
Corner, I would never in a million
years have imagined that I would be in this torn up about it considering that
we have many homosexual friends and have always been very supportive of them
personally and legislatively. I am embarrassed that this is such a big deal to
me but this is our daughter, my baby girl, and I never imagined that she would choose
this for herself.
How do I handle this revelation,
Corner? Should I tell her to keep her sexual proclivities private until she is
clear about whether she wants to be with men or women? Should we even tell her
father even though he will be crushed? Should we allow her to bring her friend
who is a “stud” to our home and around our friends? I do not want to mishandle
this nor risk making our child feel unloved or unsupported. Please help us.
Signed: What Should I Say…What Should
I Do..
**********************
Dear “What Should I Do…What Should I
Say”,
Nothing is unhealthier for you and your
daughter than denial and avoidance. No
matter how hard it may be to talk about it, you must talk about it. One of the
worst things you can do is question them about her conclusion or tell her that
that she is wrong or it is a “Faze”. If they are gay they have felt this all
along. You have no idea how long your own child has been asking herself this
question. If she has finally told you, it is because she feels that she is no
longer confused. She has finally come to an uncomfortable, but profound
understanding of her sexual identity. She is not stupid. She knows the shame
and rejection she will face from society and especially her father. She knows
what the church says about homosexuality. Nobody risks banishment, humiliation,
and even physical harm to express mere confusion. It is the inescapable
certainty that has brought her to the point of risking everything by telling
you her "shameful" secret.
When it comes to sexual orientation, you
can rebuke and reproach it; you can revile and refute it; you can resist and
repent of it; but you can't reverse it. It is there to stay. So what do you
say? “I love you”, “You’re still my child”, “I’ll be right by your side”, “How can I help you in this?”, “What do you need from me?” These are all
honest affirmations that you can respond with to your daughter. Basically, you want to let her know two things:
you love her and you’re here if she needs you. You just need to show her that
you love her regardless of her sexual orientation. That she can always come
home and that it is a safe haven to be if she needs it. At times, for many
people all they see is a gay person. For you, and your husband, all you should
still see is your daughter.
PFLAG (www.pflag.org) can help parents
through to acceptance. Check their site for a chapter near you. Love is the best remedy regardless of gender,
race or religious affiliation. Gender, Race, Religion, Choice and Willfulness
have nothing to do with who does and does not become homosexual. Those who are
gay have no more choice over their sexual preferences than those who are
heterosexual.
What Are YOUR Thoughts Corner Family….
(Click on the link below to comment)
http://www.cullenscorner.com/forum/topics/cullen-s-corner-letter-of-the-day-dear-corner-how-do-i-handle-my-
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